Five Fun (and Surprisingly Simple) Ways to Find What You Enjoy

Have you ever been asked, “So… what do you do for fun?” and suddenly felt your brain short-circuit? You know you enjoy things, but the words don’t land. You reach for something that sounds acceptable, like a bid for connection, or productive, and before you know it, you’re questioning whether going to the gym is a habit or a hobby.

If this is you, you’re not alone. So many women freeze at this question because we’ve been conditioned to live in service, productivity, and emotional labor for so long that “fun” feels like a foreign language. Pleasure feels frivolous and gets pushed to the bottom of the list and play becomes impractical. And somewhere along the way, we forget what lights us up outside the roles we hold. Add in a dose of worry about whether the other person will validate your joys and the silence gets compounded.

 Your relationship with fun is also your relationship with intimacy, pleasure, and aliveness. When you can’t access one, it affects the others. Let’s break it open.

Why So Many Women Struggle to Answer This Question

It’s easy to assume the problem is that you don’t have fun, or worse, that you aren’t fun, but that’s not true. The real issue is that women are rarely given spaciousness to practice fun.

1. We Were Taught That Fun Comes Last

From a young age, women are often praised for being responsible, thoughtful, helpful, mature-for-their age and self-sacrificing. Fun becomes a reward for finishing everything else rather than something you’re allowed to prioritize. When someone asks what you do for fun, they’re essentially asking: What do you do purely because it brings you joy?  This is a question many women were never encouraged to answer.

2. The Mental Load Kills Playfulness

Women, especially mothers, carry so much invisible labor. The emotional tracking, the remembering, the planning, the anticipating. It’s a constant hum in the background of daily life, and it keeps the nervous system in a state of quiet vigilance. This is a big part of why dads are often seen as “the fun parent.” It’s not that men love fun more, it’s that they can usually slip out of responsibility mode faster. Their system compartmentalizes more easily, which gives them quicker access to play.

And there is something biological at play, too. Research shows that fathers naturally get a big oxytocin bump through roughhousing, laughter, and physical play  it’s literally how their bonding system is wired. Mothers tend to get that same oxytocin surge through nurturing, soothing, and closeness.

Neither is better. Both are needed. But it helps explain why so many women don’t feel spacious enough to drop into fun: their bodies are busy holding the world together.

3. “What Do You Want?” Was Never Modeled

Women are often socialized to be responsive to others’ needs, moods, expectations. Rarely are we taught to be expressive — to ask, What feels fun to me? or What would feel good right now? If you’ve never been given permission to want something simply because it delights you, of course this question feels hard.

4. Exhaustion Makes Fun Feel Impossible

Fun requires presence and presence requires a regulated nervous system.
If you’re stretched thin or always “on,” your body doesn’t have the capacity to drop into play even if you enjoy the activity. We can change this!

How Fun and Intimacy Are Connected

If fun feels hard, intimacy usually feels hard too because they run on the same nervous system pathways. Fun, play, and pleasure all require presence, curiosity, softness and a break from performance mode. When you’re constantly productive, responsible, or in your head, your body can’t shift into the states needed for desire or connection.

And if you never ask yourself what feels fun, it becomes harder to ask:

• What actually feels good to me?
• What does my body want?
• What helps me soften?
• What brings me alive?
• What do I crave more of?

Rebuilding your relationship with fun is one of the most powerful ways to rebuild your relationship with pleasure, intimacy, and yourself.

Five Fun (and Surprisingly Simple) Ways to Find What You Actually Enjoy

This is where we shift from theory into practice. Here are five ways to rediscover what lights you up especially if fun feels distant or unfamiliar.

1. The Five-Minute Spark Test

Commit to five minutes a day of something that could be fun. Not a full hobby. Not a project. Not creating something that could be sold. Not a commitment.

Try small things like:

• doodling
• stretching to a song you like
• fancy tea or coffee
• pulling an oracle card
• flipping through a cookbook
• scrolling a travel page
• rearranging one small shelf

Then check in: Did my body lean in? Or pull away?

This rewires your pleasure awareness without pressure. You are creating space for play, not putting play on the to-do list. If all you do the first day is sit in your chair unable to decide what to do, celebrate starting down this path and try again the next day.

2. Revisit Your Inner Teen

Ask yourself: What did I love at 13 to 16, before I cared what anyone thought?

Maybe it was:

• dancing
• collaging
• journaling
• photography
• creating outfits
• writing fanfiction
• doing silly challenges
• rearranging your bedroom

Pick one thing and try it again  even if it feels “cringe.” Your teen self is your most unfiltered source of joy.

3. Use the “Try It Twice” Rule

The first time you try something, you’re awkward. The second time (or maybe the third, or fourth), you’re you. So before you dismiss something, try it a few times. This rule helps override the reflexive “I’m not good at that” mindset and invites real discovery.

4. Create a Pleasure Menu

Make a list of small joys across 5 categories:

• Body (stretching, lotion, sunshine)
• Creativity (coloring, playlists, writing)
• Connection (voice notes, coffee dates)
• Learning (podcasts, classes)
• Adventure (new café, scenic drive)

Pick one item a day and see which ones energize you. You learn who you are through what feels good.

5. Follow Your Micro-Yeses

Throughout the day, notice what sparks tiny curiosity. A color? A scent? A song? A store? A thought? Follow one micro-yes a week. That’s it. Fun isn’t always fireworks. Sometimes it’s a whisper.

How to Finally Answer “What Do You Do for Fun?” in a Way That Feels Real

You don’t need a polished, impressive list. You just need your truth. Here are examples that feel authentic and alive:

• “I’m rediscovering fun, and right now I’m loving…”
• “Fun for me looks like anything that makes me feel alive, lately that’s…”
• “I’m in a season of experimenting with fun. This week it’s…”

People don’t want the perfect answer, they want the honest one.

Final Thoughts

If you struggle to answer “What do you do for fun?”, there’s nothing wrong with you. Life has asked a lot of you. And your system adapted. Fun is a doorway into presence, pleasure, aliveness, and deeper intimacy. When you reconnect with fun, you reconnect with yourself. Choose one of the five practices this week. Let it be easy. Let it be small. Let it be yours.