Become the Screenwriter of Your Love Life

As I was reading the Rom-Commers by Katherine Center, one line really stood out. One of the leads explained that a good rom-com makes you feel like you are falling in love all over again. When I read that line, my body instantly knew exactly what she was talking about and I was hooked!

But, sometimes romantic books and movies leave us disillusioned. Maybe you haven’t met your “person” yet. Maybe you met your person so long ago that you question whether you ever felt that passionate spark. Perhaps, instead of feeling drawn toward your partner, the movies leave you wondering why your partner doesn’t deliver grand speeches in the rain or plan epic, spontaneous gestures. Because surely, if your partner really loved you, they would know exactly how to behave to drive you wild… right? And it doesn’t help when, on date night, you’re both staring at your menus in awkward silence while the couple at the next table is holding hands, gazing into each other’s eyes as if the rest of the world doesn’t exist.

Here’s what I need you to know your story is not over. You are the hidden heroine of your own rom-com.

As a Pleasure Coach, who is a recovering “hidden heroine” herself, I know this truth first-hand: passion, intimacy, emotional vulnerability, and sensuality aren’t magical traits some lucky people are just born with. They are skills you can learn, practice, and master.

That spark, that playful banter, that can’t-keep-my-hands-off-you vibe? It’s not reserved for Hollywood- it is absolutely within your reach. You can step into the leading role of your own romantic comedy, complete with connection, laughter, and all the steamy “closing credits” moments you could dream of.

So, if your love life feels like it’s in a rom-com montage where the lead keeps ending up feeling alone and isolated, let’s rewrite the script. Ready to bring the magic back? Roll camera!

Scene One: Get Vulnerable (Cue the Sweaty Palms)

Be honest—when was the last time you and your partner had a deep, soul-baring conversation about your sex life? I’m not talking about a casual “ooh that sounds interesting” remark while half-watching Netflix and scrolling on your phones. I mean a real, gulp-inducing conversation. I’m embarrassed to admit that my husband and I were nearly two decades into our marriage before we had that talk. But, when things are pretty good, it’s easy to avoid unconformable topics.

Many of us grew up with the message, whether subtle or overt, that sex was taboo. Even in the most sex-positive environments, there was often an underlying encouragement to wait until you’re older. This make sense because most people shouldn’t be diving into sex at the onset of puberty.

The problem? Our subconscious mind doesn’t always get the memo that we’ve grown up and are not only allowed to have sex but are also deserving of enjoying it. To complicate things further, you probably never received any real guidance about the emotional, heart-centered aspects of intimacy. Without that foundation, talking about sex, even with a partner, can feel scary.

Hopefully, you’ll appreciate that vulnerability is the cornerstone of every great rom-com moment. It’s the key to unlocking deeper intimacy, connection, and the kind of passion that makes you feel like the star of your own story. By leaning into those vulnerable conversations, you give yourself the chance to rewrite old narratives and build something beautiful.

My recommendation is to start simple. When I started to get curious about what it would feel like to fully step into the identity of a sexual being, I said something like “I think I can bring more to our intimate relationship. Are you willing to support me as I figure out what that means?”

No big monologues required. Those two short sentences were enough to plant a seed for deeper conversations. If your partner pushes for more, you can always say: “It was really hard for me to say that, and I’ll circle back, but that’s all I can share today.” Vulnerability doesn’t mean that you have to share everything all at once; it’s about ever so slightly cracking the door open. Take small steps together so that you feel safe every step of the way.

And if you’re single? Use this space to reflect on your own rom-com storyline. What patterns would you love to rewrite? What does intimacy mean to you? Journaling or confiding in a trusted friend, coach or therapist can help you set the stage for the epic love story you deserve.

Scene Two: Take Responsibility (But Make It Empowering)

Before I embarked on “operation intimacy overhaul,” I assumed our intimate life was so predicable because that was just what happened in long term relationships. I also worried we were at the edge of my husband’s comfort zone. The story I was telling myself was that men are driven by sex and if he wanted more, he would have said something, right? Spoiler alert: I was wrong and I had a lot to learn.

In the coaching world, we call this “living in effect” aka playing the victim in your own story. You are stuck and you blame everyone else for your dissatisfaction. The power comes from “living at cause”. When you step into the lead role and take responsibility for your life, everything changes.

So how do you start when you don’t even know what’s possible? One way is with a writing prompt. Grab a journal or your favorite voice memo app and start dreaming:
“Wouldn’t it be nice if…?”

Wouldn’t it be nice if I felt sexy, confident, and desired? Wouldn’t it be nice if I believed my body still drove my partner wild? Wouldn’t it be nice if my partner kissed me like they couldn’t get enough of me? Write it all down—the feelings, not just the actions. Let your answers sit and return to them in a day or two and see what sticks out for you. Once you know what you want, you can start directing the scenes of your love life with intention.

Scene Three: Go Small (Even Rom-Coms Have Mini-Moments)

Let’s get real. Modern life is full – between work, family, and other commitments, it can feel like there’s no room left for anything else. My clients often fret about how they will find the time for romance. Rekindling connection doesn’t require massive time investments. If a weekly date night feels impossible, start with just five minutes most days.

Life isn’t all grand gestures and rain-soaked declarations of love. Imagine these scenes in a movie: a spontaneous kiss on the forehead, a thirty-second hug, or simply holding hands during morning coffee. These intentional instances add up to a foundation of connection and intimacy.

If you want to go deeper, set a timer for two and half minutes and share all the emotions from your day – how you felt when your boss had, yet another, last minute emergency they needed you to work on, how you felt when someone paid for your coffee, how you felt when you finally finished that lingering project. Your partner’s job is to listen. Then, reset the timer and let your partner go. This practice builds intimacy by creating space for both partners to feel seen, heard, and understood without interruption or judgment. It fosters emotional connection by allowing you to share the highs and lows of your day while practicing active listening, which deepens trust and empathy.

Scene Four: Be the Lead (And Take Control of the Plot)

If you want your partner to bring more romance, passion, or playfulness to the relationship, I have news for you – you have to set the tone. One way to start is to ask what small gestures you do that make them feel seen, loved and valued. Tell them the everyday activities that make you feel the same. Don’t underestimate the power of these little acts. Grab their favorite snack on the way home, send a flirty text, or take over a task they usually dread. These moments can shift the narrative from “everyday life” to “romantic comedy gold.”

It's also crucial to understand how desire works for both you and your partner. Pay attention to how differently you feel about connection when your partner flirts with you during the day versus connecting for the first time when you both climb into bed. Some people experience spontaneous desire, they are like microwaves, ready to go at a moment’s notice. Others are more like ovens, needing some time to “preheat” before they are ready for intimacy.

This difference often isn’t an issue at the start of a relationship when the spark of novelty and excitement is doing all the preheating for you. As time goes on, though, it’s important to pay attention to what helps your body get into the mood. Is it physical touch? Feeling emotionally connected? A stress-free environment? Start noticing what works for you, and then share your personal "operating manual" with your partner. Giving them the script to understanding your desire can help foster deeper connection and make intimacy feel more aligned and fulfilling for both of you.

Scene Five: Add Novelty (Think Outside the Bedroom)

Rom-coms thrive on fresh adventures and so does your love life. I’m not talking about loading up your cart with fancy lingerie, new toys, or books promising to teach you the next greatest sexy position. Abs aren’t made in the gym and deeper love, connection and intimacy aren’t made in the bedroom. The foundation for intimacy is established by how you show up for each other throughout the day.

The real magic of rekindling connection comes from adding true novelty—fresh experiences that help you and your partner see each other in a new light while giving you that dopamine hit (you know, the same feel-good rush you had in the early days).

Novelty doesn’t have to mean booking a last-minute trip to Paris. It can be as simple as trying a new restaurant, taking a dance class, or laughing through an escape room. No babysitter? No problem. Put some pillows on the floor and have a happy hour reminiscing about your early days of dating.

These new adventures feel so good because they create a sense of shared excitement, shake things up, and even push you to grow by stepping outside your comfort zone. Create a list of activities on your phone of restaurants and mini-adventures that sound fun and set a goal one a month.

Scene Six: Flirt Like It’s Act One

When was the last time you told your partner they looked hot? Or texted them something so flirty it made you blush? A lot of people think that flirting a mystical talent gifted only to a few while the rest of us fumble awkwardly through cheesy pick up lines. This isn’t true; flirting is a learned skill too.

Flirting isn’t just for meet-cutes. It’s the lifeblood of any rom-com-worthy connection. Be playful. Be silly. Flirting doesn’t have to be perfect, polished, or even remotely smooth. In fact, the more playful and imperfect it is, the better.

Awkward flirting is endearing. It makes your partner laugh, it shows them you’re thinking about them, and it creates a sense of shared fun. It’s not about saying the perfect thing—it’s about being silly and a little bold. Think less smooth operator and more rom-com heroine fumbling through a cheeky compliment.

So go ahead, remind your partner that, in another universe, 18-year-old you would have made it their mission to make out with them by the end of the night. Bring that playful energy back and watch what happens.

Scene Seven: Slow Your Roll (Cue the Montage Music)

You know this montage; the romantic leads are savoring coffee, enjoying the way the sunlight streams through the window, or holding hands on a park bench. These seemingly mundane moments are the heart of intimacy.

It’s even more important to savor those moments on your own. Slow down and truly allow the beauty that surrounds you to fill you up. By being present, you give yourself the chance to reconnect with what brings you joy and pleasure on a daily basis.

This simple practice is more powerful than it seems. It helps you start identifying what you truly want in your intimate life. When you take time to notice what lights you up, whether it’s the warmth of sunlight on your skin, the aroma of your favorite tea, or the way music moves you, you become more attuned to the sensations, emotions, and experiences that bring you fulfillment. This awareness naturally spills over into your intimate relationships, allowing you to understand what feels meaningful and pleasurable for you in those moments as well.

Scene Eight: Laugh (And Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously)

Every rom-com has at least one awkward, laugh-out-loud moment. When was the last time you had a deep belly laugh during sex?

We can take dating and intimate connections so seriously. Whether it’s fumbling through a new position, bumping heads while kissing, or giggling uncontrollably at something silly, these moments are golden. Laughter breaks tension, brings you closer, and reminds you that intimacy is as much about fun as it is about passion. Stop focusing on the finish line and remember that intimacy and emotional connection is developed through the entire journey.

Scene Nine: Tell Them What You Want

The leads in rom-coms have a significant advantage because they have a script filled with perfect words and actions designed to sweep their lover off their feet. In real life, there’s no script, and your partner isn’t a mind reader (no matter how much you wish they were). The truth is, we are all responsible for our own pleasure.

If you don’t know what brings you joy, excitement, and connection, it’s time to create space to explore. Give yourself permission to discover what lights you up, whether that’s physical, emotional, or sensual, and share that knowledge with your partner. After all, even the best rom-coms don’t work without a little direction.

Closing Credits: Start Your Rom-Com Today

Everyone deserves a life full of passion, intimacy, and romance. If your love life is in need of script revisions, trust that by taking small, intentional steps, you can create a relationship that feels playful, loving, and deeply connected. The spark you are looking for isn’t gone, it’s not too late to find your person, it’s just waiting for you to light or reignite it. So grab your partner (or yourself), cue the music, and step into the starring role of your own romantic comedy.

Krista Powell is a Sex and Pleasure Strategist and guides women to become the screenwriter of their intimate lives.